I married the wrong person

I'm extremely fortunate that I did not marry a bad person, but nevertheless I had no business being married at all at that time in my life.

It all started when my first love died in a car crash in 1999. My world was turned upside down and everything came into question. This was the beginning of a steady decline into great darkness for me.

In the desperation and uncertainty that followed Amber's death I succumbed to various pressures and ideologies and married someone who should have never been more than a good friend. Many people knew it leading up to my wedding day, including myself, but it wasn't until the morning after that it really hit me.

But then it was too late. Due to religious and cultural pressures, and no small amount of stubbornness, I decided I needed to pray to God to give me a miraculous connection with this friend I had married. That miracle never happened and in my foolishness I pursued other connections while trying to preserve some form of my marriage. I even had kids hoping they would spark the necessary magic.

As all of this progressed my spirit became darker and darker and I felt less and less alive. I started going to therapy for depression and anxiety.

Early in 2015 I finally came to my senses and realized that despite my religious expectations I needed to acknowledge reality and end my marriage to bring authenticity to my life and the lives of all of those connected. I began receiving counseling and thinking about the ways in which I could most carefully follow through with this while doing the least amount of further emotional damage to all those involved.

Unfortunately time was not on my side. Instead of being able to carefully plan and carry out I was unexpectedly confronted one day and I knew I had to do it then. When given the ultimatum to continue trying to make something work or call it quits I chose the latter.

This began a new chapter, which is about redefining relationships and discovering who I am and who I really ought to be. All of that belongs in a different post, but suffice it to say that I am in a much better place despite the struggles and complexity my new life includes.