"As you know, I lived the first 30-some years of my life in the Christian tradition of my family and my community. I always wanted to believe it all. However, when my church totally bungled up their relationship with me at the time of my separation from my wife, it left me without a church home, and with the opportunity to face the reality that I've never actually been convinced.
Belief is an involuntary action. You don't choose to believe something. You either believe or don't believe, in response to information and experience that convinces you or doesn't. If someone says they "choose to believe" something, then what they're actually doing is choosing to act in the way they think someone would act if they believed that thing.
When I observe the suffering in the world, I am not convinced that a deity exists, or at least not one that is worthy of worship. Maybe there is an all-powerful being out there, but they are evidently unconcerned with the welfare of humanity. Maybe there is a higher being who does love us, but they don't have the power to make things right. Maybe there are multiple deities who are battling for our universe and there would be even more suffering if a good God wasn't protecting us as much as they could. I don't know. But I don't see evidence of an all-powerful and loving God.
Now I know that the response to that is usually, "but free will!"
To that I say, "that doesn't make it okay."
The premise is that suffering exists because of the fall which was the result of humanity being given free will. And the importance of free will is because the chief end of man is to glorify God, but forced or programmed worship would be meaningless. So that means that God desires our authentic worship so deeply that he's willing to accept the existence of unfathomable suffering in the world as collateral damage?
I haven't even brought up the concept of Hell, because I'm aware that there are varying flavors of Christianity that do not hold to the same beliefs about a place of eternal torment. I absolutely reject the notion that a good deity would create souls that will endure for the remainder of eternity, knowing that the majority of them will spend their infinite destiny in everlasting torment. I would be much more aligned with the variation that believes that hell is just the cessation of existence for souls who are not redeemed.
Now you might be thinking that I am just angry at God, or the church. This couldn't be further from the truth. It is true that I despise the fundamentalism that abounds in the Bible belt, but that is because it is a gross misrepresentation of the Christian life that I see many of my dearest friends living out. And I am not resentful towards my church for the way they handled mine and my wife's situation. I fully understand that they are human beings who were going through a very painful and complex situation, and made some poor choices in the process. I am grateful that they surrounded my wife and kids with support in the early stages of our separation, since I was not able to take care of some of those things at that time. I'm also grateful that they recognize where we are now and welcome me back to events there that I attend with her and the boys.
To be angry at God would require believing that such a being exists to be angry at. On the contrary, the circumstances I observe in the world today suggests to me that a deity must not be all-powerful or must not be concerned with the well-being of humanity. This is why I prefer to say that I am not convinced of the existence of a being worthy of the title of deity. I believe that if there is an all-powerful and loving deity who is concerned with the matters of this world, then they may convince me when and if they so choose.
Absent the belief in a deity, I believe that the higher power in the world is the collective love of conscientious human beings who love themselves in a healthy way and love their neighbors in the same way. I believe that the opposing force in the world is the destructive and deceptive power of fear. I believe that love can be victorious over fear.
Having said all that, it is undeniable that 37 years in the church has shaped much of who I am, even still today. Also, I still live in the Bible belt. It is not at all uncommon for me to use religious vernacular and imagery in my conversations every day. I frequently speak of Jesus with people around me. In my life, God and the devil are metaphors for love and fear. Fear is undeniably a liar!
So to answer your question I will bring the conversation full circle: I don't believe in a God in the same way that you do or the community that I grew up in. But I do believe in a higher power of love, and I do meditate daily in these things and practice that faith perpetually.
I know this is not the answer that you wanted to hear, but I hope it gives you a better understanding of where I am, and hopefully the assurance that I have not arrived here without much consideration. My mind is most definitely not made, and I have no issue with you praying that I will someday see the light. I'm pretty sure my dad prays that prayer every day. And I work at a half dozen churches with pastors who know where I stand and very possibly pray that prayer often as well. And perhaps God will use them to show me something I've not seen yet.
Thank you for caring enough to ask the hard questions. 💜
